First of all, please do not fraintedete what I say. It 'hard, but ... I am so. I did not even intend to write this post, but fired directly and not give explanations, but I would have felt terribly wrong. Then, if you read what you will sound even more unfair I can not help it. That's me. And I will not change.
The post is public because there are people who know me who do not have lj or not I was among friends. Not that everyone wants to do my own business, but since this is an explanation ...
Before the warning.
The summer session of exams is heavy, who studies how a damn like me should know, who does not give the tests to be satisfied with knowing knows better. Those who consider me a nerd who can not enjoy life can go to hell, ok, this message was directed mostly to people I met - so to speak - and fortunately are no longer forced to see. To me, studying is one of the main reasons are the person I am now, if we are a disgustingly boring person ... Well, 'my own business.
Precisely for this reason I will not go on msn until the end of exams, which runs until July 14 to 15. Besides, I'm going through a horrible time, so I need to be alone and not hear anybody. I need to immerse myself in study and write when I have need, but the total isolation in these cases, it is essential for me. It is a way to exclude or not caring about the world around me, it's just a way to avoid the other rispostacce not deserve that from me and why, seriously, I need total peace. It 's a selfish thought, it might be too selfish to some, but my well-being, I'm sorry those who do not understand me and who does not already happen in the past, is the first place.
mental well-being and study, try this. I ask too much? I do not care. Why did I ask myself, first of all, because when I do not feel at peace with myself I do not automatically feel at peace with others. I hope that this black period for me as a person and not as a student steps after the exams, otherwise I'll need a long time. I'm not well, those few moments when I feel really well are those in which I write, because that is where vent some of what I feel inside. Or when I talk to my sister, my mother and my father and my best friend. Only in this way. At other times I feel as if I were to fall, but exclude others is one thing I hate not arrive until then the edge e. .. I can not do anything else.
In addition, this period was not easy even here network. Too many difficult situations where I did not understand that part, only to realize that in reality have nothing to do. And this does not accuse anyone, it was my fault and I realized later that I should stay silent. I just want to make it clear that sometimes you go over and the pressure I was crushed. Sometimes it is an exaggeration but I did not understand, perhaps because they really have nothing to do. And I will no longer have anything to do, or to pretend or seriously damaged because it is absurd SERIOUSLY the liver for something that happens in the network. I do not like to amplify the meaning of something, especially if it comes to life here. What would really make me sick - if it is necessary that is bad, at least - are the arguments that I do with people I can see, touch, hear and send live fuck. Because this way I know almost ... comedy. Judging is wrong regardless, but it is impossible to judge through a screen. I demand a knowledge of the total person and seem to have forgotten in the latter period.
Internet - EFP, community, etc., etc. - has affected me - I have left to influence, indeed, for a period - from this point of view. For this I take a break from it all, because I want to think and understand, I want to mend some ties that because of what happened (on the home and away) are loose. They are important because they are related to me from a lifetime and I feel that they can understand. I know that I understand even now, who understand my silences, silences that are so important and very often can not be understood in certain situations. The friendship, which I consider almost as important to the family, is a value that can treat and store rarely, only when you are ready to open the soul to another. I do not know how to do this almost never and in my life I've done it once, with one of the most important people in my life. I do not want other links that may spoil, for bonds born so sincere sympathy, to feel better and to learn about other things which can improve as a person or not, but this always depends on a lot of things.
I think I exaggerated and that he sent the wrong message. All this has hurt me, because I do not like people, both on the web in life out here, understand some of my bad attitudes. I like to talk with others when you can feel good when they spend pleasant time when you are having fun and discovering common interests. But these ties I do not want to replace the ones I have here at home, away from home or college. A few, yes, but existing. Because there are few people who seem to have realized that life is not always approval but an expression of self. If this makes you an alien then, so much pleasure. Best green alien with antennas and scaly skin that programmed robot controlled by the will power and the company that requires certain attitudes. I do not want you to give far too much importance to something that not even I know what will last, considering that at some point in life you make choices that will inevitably move away from friends also "close". Imagine friends "away." I'm also the kind of person who feels that when something becomes too deep leaves. Why can not breathe, I do not understand, because I often feel the need to be alone. When this happens, immediately, immediately, people believe that I have forgotten her, when in fact it is not. That's why I avoid bonds like the plague because I'm not going to be portrayed as what is not, is something that I can not stand. Loneliness for me is something that can not exist. Depend on someone in a Total is one thing ... gives me the creeps, because I feel guilty, then, if I had to leave. Why I get angry, as I said, if I were to be misunderstood. Then if I get angry then I become ill, is called self-defense, folks. That's why cutting a link before it gets too deep, before it turns into something that I want in a different way. Very few people, as I said, I have understood in this sense, maybe because I look like, perhaps because they are really committed to maintain this link.
And I also noticed that my discomfort, I poured in almost all what I wrote, almost without realizing it. Rereading A Better Place to Breathe and 50Frasi LinkAllen I have not yet published, Kurohitsugi re-reading, reading, only occasionally, Scent of confidence, re-reading the original tales I've written but not published ... It 's all there.
stopped breathing, I feel trapped.
Let me breathe, please.
EDIT: Of course, not I'm going to abandon the contest in which they judge. I made a commitment and I respect that, but I'll send the email to the other two ratings for their respective courts. Then, I ask, PLEASE that their deal to publish them. I am available by email for clarification, for criticism of my reviews and more. But only for this and msn is strictly excluded.
I hope you will understand.
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